It's a tough world, and if you're gonna make it, you just gotta power through. Recently, something hit me, and it hit me hard. I had begun a relationship that was going in the right direction. It seemed like everything around me was just falling into place. I was in a constant good mood, I could talk to her anytime I wanted, and we would spend what little time we could together. Then Vegas hit. And that is where it all started to go downhill. Me, being me, went to a strip club, spent a little too much money that night, and started to doubt myself. I started thinking about what I should have done instead, going against everything I breeded myself on over the last year... Not to live by the should have, would have, could have. I felt insecure. Very insecure. That day I left Vegas in the absolute worst mood I ever had. I couldn't believe what I just did, and I was sick to my stomach. I talked to her a little bit before the weekend ended, but when Monday hit, something just didn't feel right. I started to feel depressed, very depressed. I felt alone. I felt like no one could help. One of the things I would talk about with her was that if I can't talk to you about what is going on, then I have a problem. My problem lies with myself, and I know this. But what that problem did was open her eyes to what was going on in her life. Just to straighten things out, she didn't break my heart. I broke my own heart, and trying to do what I could to get her back only hurt me more. True, we only dated for a small amount of time, but there was something about her I didn't want to let go of. It was the memories we had made over the time we were together, and even now, I do not plan on giving any of them up. But the toughest thing for me, is the feelings I have that I have now let brew inside of me. The best thing about our relationship was we would talk on a daily basis. Any free time either of us had we would talk. But for the last few weeks, such has not been the case. I probably have talked to her three times since, and only one time did I actually get the impression that she wanted to talk. I have looked for advice from people who I feel can help me personally, as to what approach to go about, but it is tough. One adviser told me to blog about it, because as a writer, type it out and see how you feel. And you want my honest opinion? Some days I feel she cares, and others I feel she doesn't, and that couldn't hurt more. She called me one night when she was at work, and the band playing that night was covering Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight". You know what happened? I couldn't hold back my tears. I felt good at that point. But every other day has been a struggle. I can't seem to figure out which way things are going anymore, and as much as I told myself and everyone else that I was not just going to give up easily, I am at the point where I just want to mentally let go and see just what happens. But then when I think about it, I don't want to give up. I don't want to give in. I want to see how things go. Time heals all, and I am prepared to life a long life. Sure, another small fish in a big pond, blah blah blah. But this one, THIS ONE, was something that I knew was a solid one. So the last few weeks, somehow, we have been talking, a baby-step, on either FaceBook or yahoo. Some days I wake up not feeling like today is going to be the day where I steer clear. No texting, no messaging, nothing. But it's not that I break, I just want to make sure each day of hers is a good one. How I would love to be the one there for her when she is feeling down. But those days are gone. I found a way to open up to her, and tell her that I did not want to push her away. But when I truly did push her away, she looked at her own life and knew that the direction we were heading was not going to benefit either of us, with the schedules we both had. She works two jobs, goes to school three nights a week. She has one full day a week to herself. Me, I work 5 days a week. My schedule is not the most ideal, and with any freelancing work, I am usually busy in front of a computer. But we were both willing to make it work before. I guess it just got too trying. The distance wasn't it. We were compatible. It wasn't our interests. It wasn't the way we were raised. When I look at it now, it was just a decision made for the benefit of our present state to benefit our future. I need to look at it as a friendship now, not a love interest. She isn't going to go out of her way to spend time with me anymore, and I need to have the same mentality, right? I'll tell you one thing, it sure as hell isn't fun. But like I said before, time heals all. I need to get back to how I was before she came along, not looking at her as a bump in the road, but a point in my life where I can grow. She is not someone I want to look at as just another friend. But I need to give it time. Life has it's ways of working itself out. As Mick Jagger once said "Time is on my side." And with that, I am done. Feel better now =)